Autumn

When Ete
caught a glimpse of Hiver
she fell for him
and they named their
daughter printemps

Snow Globe

I think Snow Globe is finally done. I'm waiting for all the fabric/paper to dry. I think I am happy with it. Really won't be able to tell til tomorrow.
oh, well.....no one reads this crap anyway.....

I Do Not Want This

I'm losing ground
you know how this world can beat you down
I'm made of clay
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way

I'm always falling down the same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall I'm drowning in
two feet below the surface I can still make out your wavy face
and if I could just reach you maybe I could leave this place

I do not want this (x4)

don't you tell me how I feel (x3)
you don't know just how I feel

I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
don't tell me that you care
there really isn't anything now, is there?

you would know, wouldn't you?
you extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
like that means something
and oh so sick I am
and maybe I don't have a choice
and maybe that is all I have
and maybe this is a cry for help

I do not want this (x4)

don't you tell me how I feel (x3)
you don't know just how I feel

I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

-Trent Reznor

Make it stop

I just want it to end. All of this doubt. I have foreclosed on my house. Sure, I might be getting the job of my dreams back, but my painting "talent," is killing me. Sometimes, I just hate it. I feel like such a fucking hack. Who wants to look at paint splatters on wood with pictures, fabric, and shitty poetry on it?? Fuck.........I just feel sick tonight.

I Hope

Today, something wonderful happened. I found out I might be able to get my old, old, job back that I had two years ago. It was in Television which I think is in my blood. My Dad has worked in Television and Radio all my life. I will be going back. I left when I was very sick. I won't stop thinking of this until I'm sick with prayer.....

Gothic To Me

Oh, the question, "What is goth...?" Plain and simple. To me, it's a way of being. The songs you listen to, the sounds of the music, the stories you like, most of all, the way you live. I like to think I live whimsically and wispy. Dark and wispy comes to mind when I think of goth because of gray smoke. Being gothic is not wearing ONLY black, and listening to the mainstream "goth" bands of the moment. Although, I love to wear romantic head to toe black with red lipstick once in awhile, to me, a goth is more found to explore the underground music and clothing tastes. The music you have to search for. The clothes YOU feel beautiful in. You. Not caring what others think. Almost like finding love. Goth is freedom to be you. Freedom to love cemeteries. Finding them spooky, or finding them quiet and lovely, it is all up to the person.
I grew up listening to Enya, Celtic songs, and being exposed to sullen stories like Jane Eyre through my Mother. Growing up, I just dreamed of living in another world that wasn't this one. Fantasy. I loved dried flowers, and dark colors, sad songs. And of course, I grew up in the 80's, so there was no lack of fantasy movies.
I didn't really think of myself as a goth until I was 14. I met the first boy I fell in love (we are married now.) He was so mysterious, wore all black, and listened to Nine Inch Nails and ethereal music that I had never heard of. It was like a whole new world. Dark and lovely. But at the same time, it was so full of light. I had found my true self.
I will not lie, I have been on occasion a "goth snob." You know, the person who thinks they are the "elder goth," and jests under their breath at other goths they see. Like a better than thou attitude. It's really sad, but I think everyone does that in our subculture. I think it is really present in every subculture that is out there. You just want to feel more important. Like, you have been around longer believing and loving these ideals.
I'm rambling now. The whole point though is being goth is and always be a mindset. A group of likes and dislikes that a certain group shares. I will say it again too: Goth means freedom to not be afraid to be dark and be looked down upon for it. Goth is a feeling. A dark romance with life that is wonderful.

Art Nouveau and the Snow Globe

I looooooooooovvvvveeee art nouveau. I decided to do a little photoshoot of me in art nouveau style dress for my next piece called Snow Globe. I took them all myself because I'm a very shy person. I was even hiding from my poor husband. Anyways, it is not because of vainess that I use pictures of me for my art. I do it because my art is VERY personal. I want that connection to me. Especially when most of my poems surrounding my art are about mental illness that I have battling my whole life. It is a way of soothing myself. I can't explain it.... Here are a few. I will definitely post the finished piece when it is done, but it will take a while.




(note: I look away from the camera in a lot of my pictures because I am 75% blind in my right eye. If I look at the camera straight, my eye is not.)