Autumn

When Ete
caught a glimpse of Hiver
she fell for him
and they named their
daughter printemps

Snow Globe

I think Snow Globe is finally done. I'm waiting for all the fabric/paper to dry. I think I am happy with it. Really won't be able to tell til tomorrow.
oh, well.....no one reads this crap anyway.....

I Do Not Want This

I'm losing ground
you know how this world can beat you down
I'm made of clay
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way

I'm always falling down the same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out of me just like a waterfall I'm drowning in
two feet below the surface I can still make out your wavy face
and if I could just reach you maybe I could leave this place

I do not want this (x4)

don't you tell me how I feel (x3)
you don't know just how I feel

I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
don't tell me that you care
there really isn't anything now, is there?

you would know, wouldn't you?
you extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
like that means something
and oh so sick I am
and maybe I don't have a choice
and maybe that is all I have
and maybe this is a cry for help

I do not want this (x4)

don't you tell me how I feel (x3)
you don't know just how I feel

I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

-Trent Reznor

Make it stop

I just want it to end. All of this doubt. I have foreclosed on my house. Sure, I might be getting the job of my dreams back, but my painting "talent," is killing me. Sometimes, I just hate it. I feel like such a fucking hack. Who wants to look at paint splatters on wood with pictures, fabric, and shitty poetry on it?? Fuck.........I just feel sick tonight.

I Hope

Today, something wonderful happened. I found out I might be able to get my old, old, job back that I had two years ago. It was in Television which I think is in my blood. My Dad has worked in Television and Radio all my life. I will be going back. I left when I was very sick. I won't stop thinking of this until I'm sick with prayer.....

Gothic To Me

Oh, the question, "What is goth...?" Plain and simple. To me, it's a way of being. The songs you listen to, the sounds of the music, the stories you like, most of all, the way you live. I like to think I live whimsically and wispy. Dark and wispy comes to mind when I think of goth because of gray smoke. Being gothic is not wearing ONLY black, and listening to the mainstream "goth" bands of the moment. Although, I love to wear romantic head to toe black with red lipstick once in awhile, to me, a goth is more found to explore the underground music and clothing tastes. The music you have to search for. The clothes YOU feel beautiful in. You. Not caring what others think. Almost like finding love. Goth is freedom to be you. Freedom to love cemeteries. Finding them spooky, or finding them quiet and lovely, it is all up to the person.
I grew up listening to Enya, Celtic songs, and being exposed to sullen stories like Jane Eyre through my Mother. Growing up, I just dreamed of living in another world that wasn't this one. Fantasy. I loved dried flowers, and dark colors, sad songs. And of course, I grew up in the 80's, so there was no lack of fantasy movies.
I didn't really think of myself as a goth until I was 14. I met the first boy I fell in love (we are married now.) He was so mysterious, wore all black, and listened to Nine Inch Nails and ethereal music that I had never heard of. It was like a whole new world. Dark and lovely. But at the same time, it was so full of light. I had found my true self.
I will not lie, I have been on occasion a "goth snob." You know, the person who thinks they are the "elder goth," and jests under their breath at other goths they see. Like a better than thou attitude. It's really sad, but I think everyone does that in our subculture. I think it is really present in every subculture that is out there. You just want to feel more important. Like, you have been around longer believing and loving these ideals.
I'm rambling now. The whole point though is being goth is and always be a mindset. A group of likes and dislikes that a certain group shares. I will say it again too: Goth means freedom to not be afraid to be dark and be looked down upon for it. Goth is a feeling. A dark romance with life that is wonderful.

Art Nouveau and the Snow Globe

I looooooooooovvvvveeee art nouveau. I decided to do a little photoshoot of me in art nouveau style dress for my next piece called Snow Globe. I took them all myself because I'm a very shy person. I was even hiding from my poor husband. Anyways, it is not because of vainess that I use pictures of me for my art. I do it because my art is VERY personal. I want that connection to me. Especially when most of my poems surrounding my art are about mental illness that I have battling my whole life. It is a way of soothing myself. I can't explain it.... Here are a few. I will definitely post the finished piece when it is done, but it will take a while.




(note: I look away from the camera in a lot of my pictures because I am 75% blind in my right eye. If I look at the camera straight, my eye is not.)

Wuthering Heights

I am finally done! After much of walking away from it angry, thinking it looks like crap, to walking back to it thinking it still looks like crap. I decided to post it. It consists of three peices, that are to be hung next to each other horizontal. There are excerpts from the book, from both Catherine and Heathcliff, that have been cut up into three parts for the collection to work. Like I said, here it is, and I hope it doesn't still look like crap.

Together

Separate

Wuthering Heights #1

Wuthering Heights #2

Wuthering Heights #3

I am nervous about the reception of this one a little. ....sigh

Macaroon Adventure

It was Friday so me and my friend Chris went out to lunch and planned to paint in his garage "art studio" like we do every Friday. I warned him that I wanted to go on a macaroon adventure. I had a doctors appointment on Thursday, and once in awhile, I realize something like "Hey. I've seen pictures of that confectionary, but have not tried that." Then I have this crazy drive to try it that day. One day, it was creme brulee, and that was a good day. So, I knew macaroons were a good idea. I always saw pictures of these pretty cakes, and of course, went to my local well known bakery. Wouldn't you know it?........they were out. Crushed, I got a Cuban meat pie and sulked. But, then I realized there is a fine foods store in the rich part of town that I could try. Yes, that would be it! Thus, I made Chris take me to that store, and low and behold, (not fresh baked :/ ), but frozen macaroons that you could thaw out in 20 minutes in room temperature. There were 12, and were flavors chocolate, vanilla, raspberry, and pistachio. We went to lunch, and let them thaw out in the car while we ate. When we got back in, I tasted little soft cookie goodies of heaven. Chris decided that the somewhat dreaded "macaroon adventure," wasn't such a bad idea after all. So, Home Depot, here we come to buy wood. Long story short, a large chuck of very heavy lumber fell on my left foot. My little toe is broken, and that side is swollen and not pretty colors. I limped back over to Chris', and worked more on my Wuthering Heights peice. Had pizza with my husband, and came home. My day was weird. And, me and my friends ate a whole box of macaroons. I guess that makes it not that bad.


Note* (how I wish these were the ones that I ate.) The REAL FRENCH macaroons pictured above I found on a google image search.

A new love

I have been writing poetry for some time now. I also have been known to draw with just plain ole' graphite. It seemed the only thing I was good at, and I was completely against the idea of painting. That is until one of my best friends, who has a studio in his garage, made me come over to try it. I instantly fell in love. I decided what better way to take the words that I love in books, poetry, film (an abstract), and make it concrete. The way I see it. After that day. I couldn't stop painting. I had kept a bunch of mom's old acrylic bottles that were still good, as well as paint brushes and start painting on blocks of wood. It was insane. I became addicted, and just couldn't stop. It was such an artistic release. What I wasn't getting from sketching out a photograph, feeling I am only making a copy of something already beautiful. Next thing you know, an inexpensive art table is in a corner of a room in my home, and I have accumulated a plethora of items to kindle my inspiration. It is so lovely.

Here are some of the paintings I have been working on below


This is the first that I worked on. The lyrics and mood are from Moby's song "When It's Cold I'd Like To Die." Sad, I know, but look up the song. It is gorgeous.


This is the second that I did. I had become very ill with depression, and my poems were dismal to say the least. This was based off one of those. I was worried that it just looked like Stephanie Mayer threw up, or something hanging in Hot Topic, which hurt me. But, now I have ignored the previous worries and just accepted, dammit, I like it, and I'm 28 and hate Twilight so there.
The poem is sadly about cutting.



I guess you could see that this was my first up lifting piece I did. The poem that it centers around is very personal and sweet. It reminds me of a macaroon.


I have to admit, I overexposed this picture to really get the meaning across via computer screen. The background is the Lagoon Nebula. This one isn't added to much like all of my other work. The poem is about my husband.

This piece was originally supposed to surround a poem about autumn, which is my favorite time of year. It end up being quite sad, with winter being very much full of death to a depressing height. I was disgusted with myself that it didn't turn out the way I wanted it, but then I realized that I loved it. It reminded me of Lars Von Trier's movie Melancholia (watch watch watch). The end of the poem reads "beauty before death," it fit so well, that I named it after the film.


This is a starting piece on a collection called Wuthering Heights. Need I say more? One of the beautiful stories. So dark, and so romantic. And I don't care what anyone says about the adaption that PBS made for masterpiece classics, Tom Hardy was in, and it was just too lush, and beautiful too hate. (yes, I have read the book and new about it BEFORE damn Twilight mentioned.) I finished this piece tonight. Hating it. But now It's starting to grow on me. I guess I won't like it til I have all the pieces together. Aww, Wuthering Heights, that book IS a whole poem. Thank you Emily B.

*note that all pictures were taken by me*

PLEASE, I CANNOT EXPRESS THIS ENOUGH. RESPECT MY ART AND DO NOT TAKE AS YOUR OWN. NOT EGOTISTICAL HERE, BUT SERIOUSLY.

Some of my art....

Here is just a little pic of some of my art pieces. I am currently addicted to painting and poetry. I have thrown these two loves together.

Hi

So this is my first post. Hmmmmm....nothing really special right now. I should be asleep.